You know what it does? [Tony doesn't wait for a response.] It hijacks your hippocampus and picks out your traumatic memories, projecting them onto a set. In essence, it makes you relive them. [And the memories that he's probably talking about aren't the kind anyone wants to relive.]
If you're looking to undo what HYDRA did to you, then- I don't know if there is a way, to be honest. [He pauses, weighing what he's about to say. There are about a thousand reasons not to, but Tony's never been good at listening to reasons why he shouldn't do anything. Which, to be honest, is how his life generally ends up in a clusterfuck.
But it's how he fixes things, too, doing what everyone else tells him is stupid. Risking it all on one dumbass idea.]
[ He doesn't flinch when Stark says he'll have to live through all the terrible shit he's done- Bucky has to deal with that on a near-daily basis, and near-nightly too. Nightmares are a pretty regular occurrence when he can sleep (all those years on the run makes his resting habits pretty sporadic, and light at that). Seeing the faces of all the people he's killed or the missions he's been on is something Bucky has come to accept as a form of penance; even if he wasn't under his own control, even if he was tortured and brainwashed, he still ended so many lives.
It's when Stark says that he might not be able to un-brainwash Bucky that Bucky's stomach drops through the floor, and he closes his eyes. The deepest fear he's had is that everything is permanent, that there's no way to undo the conditioning. That he'll be an automaton on a hair-trigger for the rest of his (un)natural life.
Before the despair can overtake him, a glimmer of hope. Or something cousin to that. Bucky looks up, daring to gamble. He can't help but sigh, and let go of the breath he'd been holding. ]
I don't have a way to pay you, or recompense you in any way... but I can do things. Anything, really. Whatever you'd need.
The main problem with BARF is that you have to build a set for each memory, so that the projections have a physical anchor. I only demonstrated it with one of mine, because I could build the prototype set to the exact dimensions I needed. It was one of the rooms in my parents' old house; we still had the furniture in storage for me to drag out and measure.
So what I'm thinking is that if that's the most effective treatment for you - and I'm not saying it is - then I'll need to...shit, I don't know. [His mind flips through options and discards them all.] Some kind of VR would work best, but it still wouldn't give you the tactile feedback your brain needs to help you alter the memory and work through your trauma. And, frankly, I'm still not sure it would do what you want it to.
[The human brain is essentially an elaborate computer; Tony knows that. And the only way he can see to fix this is to rewrite the programming - but he'll be damned if he has any way to go about it. BARF might be a stepping stone, but it's not much of one.]
Don't worry about it. [Tony waves a hand at the suggestion of compensation.] It's something that needs to be done, okay? I can't just leave you like this.
[ Both Steve and T'Challa had told Bucky that Stark had all the money he'd ever need, but Bucky came up in the 30s- one didn't just do things without giving back to the guy that helped you.
As he watches Stark begin thinking out loud, Bucky tries to keep up with all of the ideas being tossed about. There are challenges, practical or physical ones. Instantly, he thinks about the Russian bunkers underground, or the bank vault that Pierce met him in --no, that one wouldn't work, he didn't undergo any conditioning there. It would have to be one of the Siberian locations, or wherever it was in Germany (was it Germany?) that he fell off the train and was later recovered.
It's easy to get lost in the ideas. He'll have to sort through some of this before they even start. But he needs to clear something else up first. It's a turn of phrase that makes Bucky even think about it: I can't just leave you like this ]
Honestly, you could. You don't have to do this, for me. I get it. But... [ His eyes flick down to his hands, then back up, expression open. ] Why are you?
First reason, because you're a security risk, as I assume you know. [Tony ticks his reasons off on his fingers.] I solve that problem, means someone won't pull a Zemo on you again later and make the rest of us take you down. [It's not something he'd say to Steve - or maybe it would be, if he was feeling harsh - but he figures Barnes knows the truth just as well as he does.]
Second, because I tried to kill you before, and I admit, that might have been a dick move. [No matter how much he'd thought he deserved it at the time. Tony doesn't want his hands to be stained with more blood. That's not who he is, not anymore. (At least, it's not who he wants to be.)]
Third- [He hesitates for just a moment.] Third, because I think it's what my mom would've wanted me to do. She was a good woman, and I've done a lot to try and honor her memory. If there's one more thing I need to do, then it's this.
[ Well that first reason is a nice little buzzkill. Some stupid, long-underused part of him that could hope had hoped for altruism, as unrealistic as that might sound. But of course, the most glaringly obvious thing comes first. Stark is a problem-solver, and now a diplomat, apparently.
The next one, he wants to say something, explain that he gets it, Stark just learned that his best friend Captain freaking America kept things from him for the sake of his assassin best friend. Hell, Zemo even made the guy watch Bucky do it. He can't say he would have reacted differently under the same circumstances. Bucky keeps his mouth shut, because Stark is still speaking, and it's important.
Bucky has to keep himself composed for the third reason, because he hears 'mom' and his heart feels like it got stabbed with a dozen knives. He remembers the idea of his own mother, but can't place her face, or the last thing he said to her before he shipped out. It has to have been "I love you," but that memory is long-gone. God, what she must have gone through, knowing her son was missing-- probably KIA. She would have been humiliated if it came out that she was the mother of the Winter Soldier.
Stark's mother, on the other hand, would be proud of her son, what he became. And Bucky took that away. He presses his lips together, moves his hands to his lap as his chest tightens. ]
I'm sorry for what h-- for what I did. I know it won't fix it, or bring them back, but I want you to know that. I'm really sorry, Tony.
[There might be some altruism mixed in there, but it's not something he feels necessary to tell Barnes right now. Not when he's already admitting to more than enough vulnerability as it is, with the way his throat tightens and tears threaten to prick at his eyes.]
That's another reason. Because you feel remorse, and that means you deserve another chance. I didn't personally pull the trigger on anyone, but I'm responsible for a hell of a lot of deaths. A lot of innocent lives. And if I got the chance to try and make up for a fraction of what I did, then I can't do less for someone else. Because I'd want someone to do the same if I was the one responsible for their parents' deaths. I don't want to end up like Zemo.
[ That's what Bucky needs to hear. That they're similar, that they want to be more than what circumstances made them. Bucky knows a little about Stark's history from what Steve has mentioned, or T'Challa briefing him before sending him out with supplies and some advice, but there's so much more between the lines that speaks volumes.
Bucky hears the faint pleading of Maria Stark, but has to force that memory away. He looks up to Tony and nods once. ]
[Tony's bad at accepting gratitude. It's funny because he likes to do things for people - grand, stupid gestures, whatever comes to mind - but it's painfully awkward when they thank him. He just wants people to take his gifts and be happy in a way that he can't quite manage.
And he's not sure he deserves Barnes's gratitude yet. Agreeing to do something isn't the same as actually having any success.]
You'll have to stay here; can't have you wandering around the city. Sorry about that, but- [Surely he understands.] You'll have your own floor, free use of the gym, whatever you want. I'm actually getting ready to move everything upstate, to the compound there, so. Uh. That'll happen too, I guess.
[Since he doesn't think this'll be resolved anytime soon. Luckily, he has more than enough room in both places; he's just rattling around these days. The company, such as it is, might be good for him.
(Although he fully expects Barnes to spend most of his time here avoiding him.)]
[ Bucky's mouth tightens- out of one cage and into another. Part of the reason he came back was to immerse himself in the city, to go down to Brooklyn and see what's changed, what hasn't. Are there neighborhoods still standing? Bakeries or delis? What about churches or parks? Any of these things could be crucial to recovering his past.
But now he's being told he can't wander, and even as practical as the instruction is, Bucky chafes at it. He can't help but look a little crestfallen. ]
Look, Barnes, if it were just up to me, you could go wherever the hell you want. But you're kinda at the top of every most wanted list, and with your face being plastered everywhere, it's doubtful even you could avoid notice for long. And, frankly, I don't want to have to clean up that mess. Might even land me in jail, and that would inconvenience me for at least a few hours.
[And in spite of his flippant tone, Tony isn't sure that even his lawyers could get him off the hook with a treason charge. He'd probably need someone like Peggy Carter.]
I don't know yet. I'll have to make a few calls, see what I can do with BARF. Although if you can make Happy stop complaining about his voicemails, that'd be a good start.
Happy, he's- well, he's one of my employees. And a good friend. I put him in charge of keeping an eye on Parker - you know, the kid with the spider costume? Turns out Parker likes to leave him these long, rambling voicemails about all the things he's doing in Queens. Helping little old ladies cross the street, returning stolen bikes, stuff like that. Happy won't stop complaining about it.
[He's not sure how he feels about it, either. But at least the kid's sticking to small-time stuff, nothing too major. Not that Tony thinks that luck will last for long.]
What? [Tony looks horrified for a moment because he's leaping to what he really hopes is the wrong conclusion. (Look, the guy's an ex-assassin.)]
I mean, if you happen to leave the building, which I'm telling you not to do [and they both know he'll sneak out] you could keep an eye on the kid. Make sure he doesn't get in over his head. Just...without letting him know about it.
Not like there's a whole lot of trouble in Queens, but- [Something like that.]
Although, for legal purposes, let me state that I'm in no way suggesting that you should do anything that might jeopardize your, uh, already precarious legal standing. [In other words: don't get caught. Although, really, Tony's pretty sure that Bucky could outsmart the entire NYPD with one hand tied behind his back.]
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If you're looking to undo what HYDRA did to you, then- I don't know if there is a way, to be honest. [He pauses, weighing what he's about to say. There are about a thousand reasons not to, but Tony's never been good at listening to reasons why he shouldn't do anything. Which, to be honest, is how his life generally ends up in a clusterfuck.
But it's how he fixes things, too, doing what everyone else tells him is stupid. Risking it all on one dumbass idea.]
But if there is, then I'll help you find it.
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It's when Stark says that he might not be able to un-brainwash Bucky that Bucky's stomach drops through the floor, and he closes his eyes. The deepest fear he's had is that everything is permanent, that there's no way to undo the conditioning. That he'll be an automaton on a hair-trigger for the rest of his (un)natural life.
Before the despair can overtake him, a glimmer of hope. Or something cousin to that. Bucky looks up, daring to gamble. He can't help but sigh, and let go of the breath he'd been holding. ]
I don't have a way to pay you, or recompense you in any way... but I can do things. Anything, really. Whatever you'd need.
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So what I'm thinking is that if that's the most effective treatment for you - and I'm not saying it is - then I'll need to...shit, I don't know. [His mind flips through options and discards them all.] Some kind of VR would work best, but it still wouldn't give you the tactile feedback your brain needs to help you alter the memory and work through your trauma. And, frankly, I'm still not sure it would do what you want it to.
[The human brain is essentially an elaborate computer; Tony knows that. And the only way he can see to fix this is to rewrite the programming - but he'll be damned if he has any way to go about it. BARF might be a stepping stone, but it's not much of one.]
Don't worry about it. [Tony waves a hand at the suggestion of compensation.] It's something that needs to be done, okay? I can't just leave you like this.
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As he watches Stark begin thinking out loud, Bucky tries to keep up with all of the ideas being tossed about. There are challenges, practical or physical ones. Instantly, he thinks about the Russian bunkers underground, or the bank vault that Pierce met him in --no, that one wouldn't work, he didn't undergo any conditioning there. It would have to be one of the Siberian locations, or wherever it was in Germany (was it Germany?) that he fell off the train and was later recovered.
It's easy to get lost in the ideas. He'll have to sort through some of this before they even start. But he needs to clear something else up first. It's a turn of phrase that makes Bucky even think about it: I can't just leave you like this ]
Honestly, you could. You don't have to do this, for me. I get it. But... [ His eyes flick down to his hands, then back up, expression open. ] Why are you?
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Second, because I tried to kill you before, and I admit, that might have been a dick move. [No matter how much he'd thought he deserved it at the time. Tony doesn't want his hands to be stained with more blood. That's not who he is, not anymore. (At least, it's not who he wants to be.)]
Third- [He hesitates for just a moment.] Third, because I think it's what my mom would've wanted me to do. She was a good woman, and I've done a lot to try and honor her memory. If there's one more thing I need to do, then it's this.
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The next one, he wants to say something, explain that he gets it, Stark just learned that his best friend Captain freaking America kept things from him for the sake of his assassin best friend. Hell, Zemo even made the guy watch Bucky do it. He can't say he would have reacted differently under the same circumstances. Bucky keeps his mouth shut, because Stark is still speaking, and it's important.
Bucky has to keep himself composed for the third reason, because he hears 'mom' and his heart feels like it got stabbed with a dozen knives. He remembers the idea of his own mother, but can't place her face, or the last thing he said to her before he shipped out. It has to have been "I love you," but that memory is long-gone. God, what she must have gone through, knowing her son was missing-- probably KIA. She would have been humiliated if it came out that she was the mother of the Winter Soldier.
Stark's mother, on the other hand, would be proud of her son, what he became. And Bucky took that away. He presses his lips together, moves his hands to his lap as his chest tightens. ]
I'm sorry for what h-- for what I did. I know it won't fix it, or bring them back, but I want you to know that. I'm really sorry, Tony.
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That's another reason. Because you feel remorse, and that means you deserve another chance. I didn't personally pull the trigger on anyone, but I'm responsible for a hell of a lot of deaths. A lot of innocent lives. And if I got the chance to try and make up for a fraction of what I did, then I can't do less for someone else. Because I'd want someone to do the same if I was the one responsible for their parents' deaths. I don't want to end up like Zemo.
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Bucky hears the faint pleading of Maria Stark, but has to force that memory away. He looks up to Tony and nods once. ]
Okay.
Thank you.
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And he's not sure he deserves Barnes's gratitude yet. Agreeing to do something isn't the same as actually having any success.]
You'll have to stay here; can't have you wandering around the city. Sorry about that, but- [Surely he understands.] You'll have your own floor, free use of the gym, whatever you want. I'm actually getting ready to move everything upstate, to the compound there, so. Uh. That'll happen too, I guess.
[Since he doesn't think this'll be resolved anytime soon. Luckily, he has more than enough room in both places; he's just rattling around these days. The company, such as it is, might be good for him.
(Although he fully expects Barnes to spend most of his time here avoiding him.)]
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But now he's being told he can't wander, and even as practical as the instruction is, Bucky chafes at it. He can't help but look a little crestfallen. ]
Alright. So what do I need to do?
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[And in spite of his flippant tone, Tony isn't sure that even his lawyers could get him off the hook with a treason charge.
He'd probably need someone like Peggy Carter.]I don't know yet. I'll have to make a few calls, see what I can do with BARF. Although if you can make Happy stop complaining about his voicemails, that'd be a good start.
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He listens to Stark explain, then shifts in his own seat again. Sorry, Tony, that nickname is just the worst. ]
...wait, who? What voicemails?
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[He's not sure how he feels about it, either. But at least the kid's sticking to small-time stuff, nothing too major. Not that Tony thinks that luck will last for long.]
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[ But-- oh. The Spider-kid. Bucky remembers. You have a metal arm? That's awesome!
Bucky had been too surprised by the kid's strength at the time, too surprised by the fact a kid was fighting him. ]
So, you want me to make him stop calling?
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I mean, if you happen to leave the building, which I'm telling you not to do [and they both know he'll sneak out] you could keep an eye on the kid. Make sure he doesn't get in over his head. Just...without letting him know about it.
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[ Just so he's clear.
And he would only think about sneaking out. Maybe. Probably.
Ahem. ]
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Although, for legal purposes, let me state that I'm in no way suggesting that you should do anything that might jeopardize your, uh, already precarious legal standing. [In other words: don't get caught. Although, really, Tony's pretty sure that Bucky could outsmart the entire NYPD with one hand tied behind his back.]
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I won't. Just tell me what I need to be doing right now.